Marisa's Musings September 2011 "Alone At School"

*NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:  Marisa's back today and she's feeling a bit isolated.  Today she's talking about her dad's fight with cancer.  And I can speak from experience that when someone in your family is fighting a condition as serious as that, or some other life-threatening condition, it feels like your whole family is fighting along with them.  You can feel very alone at times, like there's no way anyone else can understand what you're going through.  And as a result, you may withdraw from even your closest friends.  It's not necessarily the best thing to do, but sometimes you just can't help yourself.  Especially if your afraid of losing someone very dear to you.  So to anyone out there who's had to face this kind of situation, you have my deepest sympathies and I pray the outcome was a good one.  If not, I'm deeply sorry.  If you feel this entry might trigger off some bad memories, please spare yourself from reading further.  I'll understand.  The next entry will be much lighter in tone--Thank you*

School ended about an hour and a half ago and yet here I am, wandering the empty hallways feeling more lost and alone than ever.

Normally I'd be home by now, but I knew no one would be home.  Dad's getting another chemo treatment and Mom's with him. I could've gone home with Lisa, but I...I just couldn't.  She's changed and I can't stand it.

She got back from touring Europe with her family a few days after school started, so I didn't even get a chance to see her, until she showed up in homeroom.  As soon as I saw her walk in I was so happy to see her until I realized what she was wearing.  Black clothing which looked like it was from another era entirely.  Oh there were a few splashes of color, but mostly it was black.  

Immediately, several of our classmates started laughing and asking her who died. Of course that hit me pretty hard.  Ever since he was diagnosed with cancer, I've been terrified of losing my dad.  It's gotten so bad that I can hardly even watch some of those old vampire movies, my dad loves so much.  I do of course, but mostly so I can be with him.  But I can't stand the idea of vampires anymore.  Every time I see the heroes trying to fight to save one of Dracula's victims I keep noticing how pale and grey they look, and then I glance at my dad and see a similar pallor in his face.  

Then I begin to envy the characters in the movie.  They have a foe who they can face and put and end to with a sharp wooden stake.  But I can't do that.  I have to sit on the sidelines and watch some unseen enemy trying to drain my father of his health and vitality.  Some days he looks better than others and even seems more like his old self.  Then a day or two later he's weak and looking pale again.

I've had to deal with this all on my own the entire summer.  I didn't have my Lisa at my side to help me cope.  And now when she's finally back she looks like someone in mourning, only she hasn't lost anyone.  She's just getting a whole lot of attention while being a constant reminder to me that I may lose my dad.  

It upsets me so much I can barely stand to be anywhere near her.  She tried to sit with me at lunch her first day back but I Just couldn't do it.  Instead I simply got up and moved away without saying a word.  I didn't mean to do it, but I couldn't say anything without bursting into tears and running away in the middle of the cafeteria.  I eventually went outside and found a place to be alone for a while.

Then today a new problem arose. Everyone expected me to continue being head cheerleader, but with Dad fighting for his life, I just can't do it this year.  So I talked to the coach and told her what was going on.  She fully understood and let me have a good cry on her shoulder for a few minutes.  Once I got myself under control again we talked about who should replace me.

I decided on Sherrie Wallace, who joined the squad just last year.  Sherrie transferred from another school where she had done gymnastics.  But after coming here, she wanted to try out for the cheerleading squad.  Truth be told, I think she's more talented than me.  But I'd been head cheerleader for two years already and had gotten the team into the state quarterfinals both times.  So naturally everyone wanted to keep me in charge.  Sherrie didn't seem to mind and she's really sweet.  And unlike some of the girls on the team, she doesn't cop an attitude.  So I felt she was the perfect replacement for me.

Unfortunately, one of the other girls, Diane Gilliams, did not agree.  She's tried being my 'buddy' ever since she joined the squad two years ago.  And because she was always sucking up to me, she thought she could boss the other girls around and was always trying to take the spotlight in our routines.  I told her off many times and she was always 'sorry' and behaved herself again.  Until the next time when she thought she'd gotten on my good side.

Well, that won't be happening anymore.  After the coach announced I wasn't coming back and that we'd decided on Sherrie to lead the team everyone cheered, except Dianne.  She was pissed and let me know it as soon as we got back into the locker room.  She and a couple of her cronies tried cornering me when she thought no one was looking.  

I don't know what would've happened had Lisa not suddenly appeared and started talking in a very loud voice.  She was so loud in fact, that the coach came in to see what was going on.  Naturally, Dianne took off but not before giving us both the dirtiest look.

As soon as she was gone, Lisa turned to me and smiled.  "Don't worry, I've got your back.  I'll always have your back."

I so wanted to hug her right then, but she was in full  black today.  "Thanks," I managed to mutter and quickly left the locker room.  As I did, I glanced back at her one last time and saw the sad and confused look on her face.  

God how I wanted to go back and tell her what was going on, but I needed to get home.  Mom and Dad would be home soon, along with results of the latest tests that will tell us if the treatments are helping or not.  If they aren't.... I can't think that.  They've got to be helping him.  They've just got to...

LATER

The results were very promising.  The treatments are helping.  But he's not out of the woods yet.  I have to be strong. 

Good night.

Nathaniel's E-Journal July 10th,2011 "My Goddaughter Is A Psychic"

I've walked this Earth for over a hundred and fifty years and never tire of the surprises the world still has in store for me.  This summer I've been touring Europe with my godson Brian, his wife Annie and their daughter Lisa (who is also my godchild).  Annie is expecting their second child in a few more months so I'm keeping a close eye on her as we travel.  

Brian is a history professor over at a college back in West Virginia and had wanted to travel overseas to get some firsthand looks at historical places.  Knowing that I'd spent a fair amount of time in Europe actually witnessing many events in the early 20th century he'd asked me to act as tour guide.  I did point out to him that I wouldn't be available for a lot of daytime excursions, to which he said, "True, but I know you have a lot of extended family connections over there who could show us around.  Plus they'd love to see you I'm sure."

I had to admit he got me on that point so rather than take just him I brought his whole family over.  I figured it would be educational for Lisa and a wonderful change of scenery for Annie.  

We spent a good three weeks just in England alone, before crossing the channel into other places.  After a short stay in France we moved on to Germany, where I first began to notice something different about my goddaughter, Lisa. 

                                  

With Brian being a history professor, he naturally wanted to see the old concentration camp at Dachau.  I arranged for a private tour, but did go with them.  I'd seen such places in action long in the early 1930's, long before the war began.  Some folks never realized how long they were going before the first shots were fired. The memories of what I saw and experienced inside those places have never left me.

Mind you, the ones I had been to were mostly the temporary camps, which had been hurriedly built to hold 'detainees' while the main camps like Dachau and Auschwitz were being constructed.  Those temporary facilities were completely dismantled afterwards and most of their names have been lost to history or mysterious fires that wiped out the entire facility.  Not many people hear about those, because no one likes to speculate how the flames seem to claim only only the officers and guards of the facilities.

Anyway, at Dachau they were met by Gustav Schuster, another of my godchildren.  Gustav was  only seven when the war began, but like many children he had kept his eyes and ears wide open.  He was able to tell Brian a number of fascinating details that often get left out of most history books. 

Lisa went with him, and being a typical fifteen year old wandered about on her own apparently.  For when I saw her later that evening she looked badly shaken.  I asked her what was wrong and she turned to me and whispered, "It was horrible... the suffering that took place here... I could almost hear their cries on the breeze..."

But I didn't say anything.  I've heard others say similar things because they were so moved by the history that surrounded them, so I didn't make anything of it.  That had been a week ago.

Tonight, her words came back to me and I began to realize there is much more to my favorite goddaughter than I ever suspected.

Having left Dachau behind we'd continued our travels out of the cities and into the countryside.  We were now settled in a little heard of town up north, not too far from Denmark which was to be our next destination.  I had been to this place before and several of the older families knew me and were only too glad to put us up when I called a month ago.

Once dusk fell, I was free to wander the countryside and decided to do so.  I had a particular destination in mind and had planned on going alone, but Lisa and Annie (her mother) insisted on joining me.  To tell them I wanted to be alone would've have been rude.  Plus, I know from previous experience, Lisa would've followed me anyway.  So I let them come along.

We drove a couple of miles out of town and then came to a wide open field surrounded by trees and flowering fields.  As soon as we got out and took a few steps Lisa suddenly froze in her tracks and visibly shivered.

Immediately I sensed what was wrong.  Putting an arm around her I said, "You feel it... don't you?"

She looked up at me with eyes full of pain and confusion and then nodded.  "But I don't know what it is."

Yes, she could feel it.  The girl was a 'sensitive' or psychic as they say.  I pulled her close and whispered, “It's the echoes of human suffering.  You see, the Nazis had temporary concentration camps throughout Germany.  They acted as a stop-gap while the more notorious camps were being built.  And because they only lasted for a while there are little or no records of them or where they stood.”

“There was one here,” she murmured in a hushed voice of awe.

“Yes,” I told her and led her back to the car, lost in my own thoughts.

Hardly anyone knew about the the camp that had been here in 1933.  It had been one of the temporary ones which had housed almost a thousand 'undesirables', specifically Roma (more commonly known as gypsies).  Like the Jews, they had been persecuted and hunted by the Nazis, although not to the same extent.  But for those who were taken to this place the results were the same.  Torture, forced labor, unclean facilities, sickness, starvation and systematic executions.

Mind you, these were not the rogues and thieves that so many writers and Hollywood produces depict in their works.  These were good people who chose to roam the country, partly out of choice and partly because no one wanted 'their' kind living among them.  I know this for a fact because I was living among them in 1933.  How I came to them is a tale for another entry.  It is enough that I became part of their family.  And yes, my secret did not remain hidden from them for very long.  They'd found out early on my true nature, but accepted me anyway as one of their own.  As well as their protector and guardian.  I even married one of them.  A teenage girl named Magda who loved me like no one else had ever before.  And whom I lost in this place.

She'd been taken from me months before and I'd spent the entire time searching for her nonstop.  When I finally found where she and the others had been taken I came as quickly as I could.  But it was already too late.  We were reunited long enough to say goodbye and for me to save those who were still alive.  As for the soldiers and officers who were running the place... my wrath consumed every single last one of them, with only a few exceptions.  (Again a tale for another entry)

Afterwards the place mysteriously burnt to the ground never to be rebuilt.  Perhaps the burned, bloodless bodies discouraged them.  Or perhaps what happened to the soldiers who came later to exact revenge on the town for the escape of the prisoners and the destruction of the facility, made them think twice about trying again. Whatever the case, the Nazis avoided the area forevermore.  Convoys of trucks and soldiers would take a wide circuitous route around and away from the town and forgot it was even there until after the war ended.  Although I heard many time through the grapevine that it was sometimes mentioned in hushed, fearful whispers among the Gestapo who made sure to erase any mention of it from the records.

After getting Lisa and her mother into the car, I quietly excused myself and returned to the field.  Normally I would walk the entire spread of the open area, but due to Lisa's reaction I did things a little differently.  I rose up into the night sky for about twenty feet and my lower half dissolved into a greenish mist.  This cloud columned down to the ground and spread across the entire field. Soon the flowers which were already withered or browning suddenly began to bloom as if it were early spring instead of mid-summer.

This is my special way of 'laying flowers' at gravesites.  Cut flowers wilt and die within seconds of being in my presence.  As long as they are in the ground and are still alive to some extent I can bring them back to full health, but once dead or dying after being severed, my 'field' seems to accelerate the decomposition.

As soon as the field was lush and full of color once more, I reconstituted and returned to earth.  Once there, I knelt down and offered the for those who had been lost.

Much to my surprise, before my prayers were finished, Lisa and her mother appeared on either side of me and knelt down to pray along with me.  I had lost family in this place, especially one closer to my heart than any before.  But I did not remain alone.  I always have family and I will always fight to protect and keep them safe.

Lisa's "Private" Thoughts July 9th, 2011 - Germany...

We're still in Germany.  After spending three weeks in England we crossed the channel and spent a few days in France before coming here.  At the time I was rather glad to get away from Paris and all the people who looked down at me when I tried practicing what I'd learned in my French class.

Now I'm wishing I was back there.  

Today, Dad went to visit Dachau, a concentration camp from World War II.  Mom didn't want to come, so I felt obligated to go with him so he wouldn't be alone.  I wished I'd stayed with her. 

                                  

There’s no one word that can describe the feeling in the air of that place.  Oppression, sadness, despair… it’s almost overwhelming at times.  Such suffering on an incredible scale that lingers in the air... I almost bolted when the gates to the place were opened.  But I didn't want to leave Dad all by himself so I braved the tour.

Now I need to point out that this wasn't the usual tour.  Because my dad is a history professor, Uncle Nate pulled a few strings to get us into areas that are usually closed off to the public.  

The dormitories, if you could call them that had reproductions of the beds on display, but the memories of the sickness and suffering permeated the air.  I swear I could almost here voices crying or coughing.  I felt like I was going to suffocate so I went back outside. 

Dad went to the gas chamber, but I couldn't bring myself to follow.  The atmosphere was just too much.  He took a few photos and then came right out to check on me.  I'm glad he did because by then I think I was starting to see things.  I could've sworn I saw a figure near the gallows out of the corner of my eye.  But when I turned he was gone.

So I was more than a little glad to get away from that place.  I was even more happy when we moved on and headed to other parts of the country where we met some Romani (gypsies as most people call them) who knew Uncle Nate.  They seemed quite delighted to see him, especially some of the really older members of the group.  They had to be in their eighties or even nineties.  When Uncle Nate introduced me to them I noticed one of the old men had numbers tattooed on his forearm.  After visiting Dachau I knew only too well what that meant.  I gave the man an extra hug after taking his hand.

Even though we didn't speak the same language he seemed to understand.  Uncle Nate told me afterwards the fellow had noticed my eyes staring at the brand on his arm.

That was a few days ago.  Today we arrived in a little known town.  Uncle Nate had stocked up on blood and was sticking around with us in the daytime.  It was cloudy and overcast so I knew he'd be okay, especially after all the blood he took in.  Still, something seemed off about him.

He insisted on wandering out in the nearby countryside on his own.  Only Mom and I wouldn't hear of it and joined him anyway.  Even she could tell something wasn't right.  So we drove a couple of miles out of town and then pulled over to where a large open field stood.

It seemed so quiet and peaceful at first.  A part of me wanted to run among the flowers but then I felt it.  The same heavy feeling like I experienced back in Dachau swept over me and I couldn't understand why.   There was nothing to mark the place as anything special or historical, yet that inexplicable feeling of misery and dread kept growing inside me. 

The sensation was so strong I started to tremble when suddenly Uncle Nate reached around and held me close.  In that moment the feeling suddenly went away.

Confused I looked up and saw him watching me with real concern.  

“You felt it don’t you?” he asked quietly.

I nodded.  “But I don’t know what it is?”

Pulling me close he whispered, “It's the echoes of human suffering.  You see, the Nazis had temporary concentration camps throughout Germany.  They acted as a stop-gap while the more notorious camps were being built.  And because they only lasted for a while there are little or no records of them or where they stood.”

“There was one here,” I whispered without thinking.

“Yes,” he nodded solemnly and led me away.

As we left the area, I couldn't help but wonder how he knew.    I have my suspicions, but one day I'd like to hear the story.  Because a large part of me is thinking he was the reason this one was shut down and erased from history.

Another Note From the Author....

Hello everyone, sorry for the slow updates recently.  I had planned on another post today, but life has a way of kind of being really getting in the way sometimes.  Especially when you're going back to college.  I started attending my first university this week.  Prior to that the past few weeks have been chaotic with my wife getting a new job. 

She got her Bachelors Degree last spring at the same university where I'm going now.  She studied to become a high school math teacher.  This summer had been a rough one for us for several other reasons as well, including her taking special summer courses for her credential to be come a teacher.  I had to drive her around a number of places including a couple of schools where she was interning.  A lot of that driving meant time away from the keyboard both for this blog and the novel itself.    There were a lot of things to be done around the house that only I was available to do (cleaning, laundry, errands, etc.)

I also had to go through some skin cancer surgery, which didn't always leave me in the best of shape to be working on things.

However...

These last two weeks, I was spending a lot of time on the novel itself thanks to my wife's new job.  She had to go through the interview process, be offered the job, accept it, and went through a couple of weeks of training at the new school so she could settle in.  Now the location of her job was in another town about 1/2 an hour away from where we currently live, which is actually quite a nice drive. 

But even better, the town where she's working has the most beautiful library, where I parked myself for hours working on the book.  I'm happy to announce that the 1st draft is almost finished.  I'm within pages of finishing it off.  Once that's done, I'll be doing a second draft to iron out certain issues such as clarity of thought, spelling, making sure the story flows, and finally getting to work on the actual cover.

After the 2nd draft is completed it will be going to my proofreader/editor.  Then I will do the 3rd draft at which point it will be unleashed on some willing Beta-Readers.  Once I hear back from them, a final draft will be completed and the book will be released. 

How long will all that take?  I don't have a clear idea yet, but the release will happen between late October and early December.  That much I can tell you.  It will all depend on how long it takes for others to get back to me (editing, beta-reading, etc.)  Once the 1st draft is completed the second one will come fairly quickly.

So hang in there, the actual novel is coming.  I will be posting more blog entries by the various characters you'll be meeting in the book very soon.  Some will be funny, others interesting, a few tearful, but I'll try not to leave you bored.  

A new post will be here in a week.  From what the characters are telling me, we'll be hearing either from Nathaniel, Lisa, or Marisa.  Or someone completely new.  Some characters can get kind of pushy.  

For now I bid you a pleasant week.  Come freely, visit frequently, but always leave a bit of the happiness you bring to this blog.  (paraphrased from Bram Stoker's Dracula).  This is my copy.  As you can see, I've read it a 'few' times, give or take...

Lisa's "Private" Journal June 16th, 2011

*Author's note: Today I'm introducing Brian's daughter Lisa, who is also Marisa's best friend.  Like her father, Lisa is fully aware of what Nathaniel is and has no problem with it as you will soon see.  She too will be a key player in the actual novel.  So please sit back and relax as Lisa introduces herself to you all.  I hope you'll find her as charming and fun as I do...*

SQUEEEE... ENGLAND IS SO COOL!

Oh my God, I've been having the best time since we got here.  This place is so incredible.  I really didn't know what I was going to think of this place when I was told we were going, but I'm so glad we came.  My whole attitude about coming was kind of 'mixed' so to speak.  I'd really been looking forward to enjoying the summer with my best friend Marisa, only to be told we were heading overseas for three months touring Europe.

My dad is teaches history over at New River Tech College and had been wanting to visit the continent for some time in order to take in some 'history' in person.  But he didn't want to just visit, he wanted to really explore and have the time to do his research.

Enter my godfather, Uncle Nate, who thanks to his inhumanly long life, was heading to England to visit some of his 'extended' family there and other parts of Europe.  While he was looking to going, he hates to travel alone.  So he decided to 'drag' us along with him on this trip.

As exciting as the trip sounded, I was pretty annoyed about not being with my bestie as planned.  I even tried to talk my parents into letting her come with us.  Much to their credit, they did like the idea and would've loved to have had her along.  They like to think of Marisa as another daughter and would've watched over her like a pair of hawks.  However... there was Uncle Nate to think about.  Marisa does not know about his being a hundred and sixty-four year old vampyre.  None of my friends know, which is why I have to keep this blog "PRIVATE".  It's more like a personal diary where I share my adventures and experiences involving Uncle Nate.  The only people who will ever read these entries are myself and any children I have when I'm older.  I want them to know and understand what makes Uncle Nate so very special and amazing.  He's been part of our family since 1866 when he married the widow of his best friend and commanding officer in the Union Army.  He's been our 'guardian angel' ever since.

And we're not the only family he watches over.  Since coming here I've met at least a dozen families who know and adore him as much as we do.  They too know his secret and guard it with a vengeance.  I've been told that before we finally head back home, I'll have met many more who call him "Uncle", "Friend" and even an "Angel" with dark wings..

But what I want to talk about right now is this new thing I'm getting into.  As soon as we arrived in London's Heathrow Airport I started seeing people in the most amazing outfits.  They're Goths, but not like the ones I've seen in school who do the dark clothing and black hair routines.  These people take it a step further into like living history meets art.  We're talking Classic Goth clothing and make-up done with STYLE.

I totally fell in love with the clothing at first.  I mean, some of the styles border on historical with an added touch of modern clothing.  Like this dress...

But I'm not just getting into the clothes.  The make-up is fascinating me as well.  It turns out one of my 'cousins' over here is into the Goth scene, and she's been taking me under her wing.  She's been showing me all kinds of cool make-up and looks I can go for, like this one she did for a party we went to...

I've started accumulating a new wardrobe.  Kate (my cousin) gave me this little outfit to take home with me.

I can hardly wait to show it to Marisa when I get back.  That's one of the major drawbacks to being here.  I can't phone her from here because it's too expensive to make an overseas call.  And we're kind of on the move a lot, so I don't get much of a chance to get online except for a few minutes, like now.  So I'm mainly using my computer time to write all this stuff up, while I keep sending postcards and short letters back to  her.  I hope I can tell her about Uncle Nate one of these days, he's really an amazing guy and I think she'd really like him.

Great, Mom's getting on my case about getting off so I have to stop for now.  We're heading to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum tonight and in a few days we'll be in France.  What a wild trip this is turning out to be.  I can hardly wait to see what comes next.

Later all! (kiss)

Nathaniel's Blog July 23rd, 2014 - Reflections On The Past And Ponderings Of The Future...

The Crypt is silent tonight.  It's a Tuesday and the place is closed as usual.  Usually I only open the place on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.  If I have it open during the regular weekdays, a lot of the kids would never get enough sleep for school the next day, and I don't want to deal with angry parents complaining that my place is an attractive nuisance.  Not that anyone would believe it.  My place is a drug and alcohol free zone.  It's actually one of the safest places teenagers can come to get away from the darker elements out there. 

Still, keeping the place open seven days a week would be quite demanding on me and my DJ Scar-Man.  He has a family these days and needs to be able to spend time with them.  And I need time to myself.  Even after a hundred and fifty years, I still enjoy some 'me' time.  I know, I know, most vampires you see in movies or read about are lonely and longing for company.  Well this is real life and I have plenty of extended family and friends who love to have me visit, or who like to drop in to see me, and I love it.  

However, I do need some time alone every so often and tonight is one of those evenings.  So with the doors locked up I've scaled the many steps that lead to the top of this old building where my art studio awaits.  I though I might be in the mood to pick up a brush and work on a canvas or two, but not at the moment.  Instead, I'm in a more contemplative mood.  

There's a huge picture window at one end of the studio that allows me to gaze out at the town.  It's very pretty at night.  The streetlights are lit up, as well as a number of houses.  The evening is still young so very few have gone to bed just yet. 

Who knows who I might meet this evening if I venture out into the streets.  That's half the fun of being a night walker.  It's always an adventure.  You see things and people, most folks overlook in their busy day.  For me, I find stories and inspirations for paintings, novels, or just things that make you think a bit.  No, I'm not  one of the gloom and doom vampyres of legend.  I'm going to be walking this earth for some time yet and I'm fully aware of it.  I am what I am these days.  Although I did not choose this existence, it was pushed onto me by a very unlikely source, but unlike others I treasure each moment I have.  

I've touched and had my life touched by so many wonderful people.  Not just the stars I met back in vaudeville, or the heroes I met out on the battlefields, but everyday people and I thank them for it.  The ones who've come and gone, as well as those who are still with me now.  Yes, I've said goodbye to a good many friends over the decades, but there are always new people entering one's life that you can share and experience so much with.

In my hundred and fifty... correction hundred and sixty-seven years on this planet (I always forget to count my life before the change) I've seen so much.  How many people can claim they saw the first silent films?  Or heard the first radio broadcasts?  I encountered and even got to work on some of the earliest computers when punch-cards were the high point of technology.

Plus I got to watch man reach the moon and take his first steps onto that barren alien landscape.  And there are so many years ahead of me, which both fill me with wonder and a slight dread.  For unlike vampyres of legend I do age, albeit at a much slower rate.  I was only seventeen when I was changed and these days I barely look thirty.  For every ten years that pass for others I age only one.  This means I have a long time ahead of me, but what about when I finally start to reach 'old' age?  Will I start to turn grey and less able-bodied?  With I spend centuries trapped in a body that is feeble and infirm?  That' is a frightening prospect, that I try not to think too much about.  

There's still so much about my condition I don't know anything about.  In spite of twenty years spent getting degrees in botany, anatomy and physiology, and several other sciences, there's still so much to learn.  Luckily, science continues to move forward and I can always go back and take more classes and learn more about the new discoveries that may help me fully understand what I've become.  And that's something I actually look forward to.  

I love taking classes and learning new things.  I've taken all kinds of classes over the decades including art, dance, languages, mathematics, writing, etc.  Learning can be so much fun.  I meet new people and get introduced to new ideas and skills.  Life is a wondrous thing and whether you have only one life-time or many what you do with your time can be very enriching.  It all depends on the individual.  

And right now, this individual feels like stepping out for a while.  I'll come back here later and start working on one of my unfinished canvasses.  There's one in particular I'm very eager to get back to.  

I've already put it on an easel so it can be waiting for me when I get back.  It's a portrait of a young girl with flowing black hair and the most amazing brown eyes.  I can never forget her eyes.  They saw through me like no other and loved me for who AND what I am...

Marisa's Musings "Lost and Alone"... June 23rd, 2011

****NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I want to warn you all in advance that this particular entry is a bit heavier than some of the ones you've seen before.  It deals with someone fighting cancer.  So if you wish to take a pass on this entry I'll understand.  I suffered a loss of someone very dear to me a few months back and it hurt to write this passage, since I drew upon a lot of the emotions and thoughts that I went through.  However, this sub-story plays an important role in the main novel.  So I leave it to your own discretion.  I don't wish to hit anyone's 'triggers' and set you off. SPOILER: And if it's any comfort, the person fighting cancer is still around in the novel.****

Sorry I haven't been posting for a while, my life has turned upside down in the worst way possible and I don't know what to do.

About two months ago Dad went to see our family doctor, Jack Tyler.  He's been our physician for as long as I can remember.  Which only makes sense since he and my dad grew up together.  Anyway, Dad went to see him for his annual physical.  Aside from feeling a little tired for the last month or two, he didn't have any complaints.  But some of his blood tests came back and something wasn't right.  So there were more tests, followed by X-rays and a Cat-Scan.  Long story short, he's got cancer.

Uncle Jack assured us that it was detected early and there was a good chance they could treat it with surgery.  Well, the surgery seemed to go okay, but then they found it had spread to one or two lymph nodes.  So they removed those as well and now he's getting chemotherapy and radiation treatments.

He's been holding up for the most part, but those therapies take so much out of him.  He's lost weight and looks a bit grey some days.  Plus they leave him pretty weak. Some days he mostly sleeps or just sits and reads or watches a movie or two.  Uncle Jack has told us things are looking good, but he said that about the surgery so I'm not as confident in his predictions.  

At this point I'm trying to spend more time with Dad.  I keep feeling like I may lose him and I don't want to.  I've stopped hanging out as much with my friends, except for Lisa.  She's my best friend and has been trying to be there for me every step of the way.  Unfortunately, she's heading to England for the summer with her family.  Apparently, her godfather is over there and made arrangements to have her entire family come and stay with him for a while.  I've never met the guy, but I've a lot about him.   Uncle Nate is in like his twenties and is working with a professor over in London, which is someplace Lisa's always wanted to visit.  She offered to ask her parents to let her stay with my family, but I told her no.  If this turns out to be the last summer I have with my father I want to be with him as much as possible.

I even cut back on my school activities as soon as I knew he'd been diagnosed with cancer.  The first thing I did was give up my place as head cheerleader.  Both my parents told me I didn't have to do it, but I knew they'd need me, and they have  It's been a rough couple of months.  

Watching my dad have to sit around be tired out so easily freaks me out sometimes.  I mean, he's a mail carrier.  He walks miles and miles every week doing his route.  Now he gets winded just moving from room to room sometimes.  Which is why I need to be around for him.  Mom can't always be here, so I make sure I am.  He and I sit together and talk or read.  Sometimes we'll watch movies, but even that's been kind of hard lately.  Not for him, but for me.

I know I mentioned a while back that he loves vampire movies.  They're like his all time favorite thing to watch.  And until he got sick I loved them too.  But now when I watch the heroes trying to save someone who's being fed on night after night by Christopher Lee or whoever's playing Dracula, I keep noticing how pale and even grey the victim looks sometimes.  They're so weak and tired, after having started out so lively and vibrant earlier in the film.  So instead of helping take my mind off what Dad's fighting, I get a huge reminder that I may lose him.  

When I look at the television screen instead of seeing a vampire, I see some form of cancer that's taken on a human shape.  And it's everywhere.  Even at school I used to hang with a couple of the Goth kids, but then I stopped.  All that pale make-up and dark clothing... it was too much.

God I wish Lisa were here right now.  I feel so lost and alone sometimes.  But I've still got my dad and I'm going to hold onto him as much as possible.  I pray Uncle Jack is right and Dad is going to be okay.  I just wish there was more I could do for him.  I feel so helpless sometimes..

Oh, he's just woken up from a nap and is calling for me.  Sounds like he wants to watch another movie with me.  Talk to you all again soon.  If you don't hear from me again for a while, I know you'll understand.  

Ciao for now...